On Receiving my First Shock Treatment

     How committed am I to managing my Bipolar Disorder? Committed enough to allow a team of medical professionals to run an electric current through my brain in order to induce a seizure. After 25 plus psychiatric medications, 5 hospital trips and 4 suicide attempts this is what the state of the treatment for mental illness has left me with as an option.

     Lest you think I am complaining or that I am having a, "Pity Party," you would be sadly mistaken. I will leave no stone un-turned in order to manage this illness and manifest whatever quality of life is left to me after year's of suffering. I do this for myself, for my husband, for my family, for my friends and for all those who have suffered the way I have with the prehistoric treatments available even in the 21st Century.

     October 30th, 2017 marks my first session in a series of Electroconvulsive Therapy treatments at UMASS Memorial Hospital in Worcester, Massachusetts. Here's how it unfolded:

     I am not a morning person so when my alarm went off at 5:15 am I was not a happy camper. There had been a fearsome wind and rain storm during the night that did not contribute in a positive way to an already anxiety ridden sleep. Even 2 mg of Ativan and 50 mg of Trazodone did little to produce a restful slumber.

    It was dark when we headed for the hospital at just after 6 a.m. Not being one to jump up in the early morning, I was dumbfounded to see all the traffic and activity as we headed to Worcester; about 20 miles away. Who are all these people?? They are the ones who have places to go and people to see. The important people. The productive people. The people who need to feed their families. The people who haven't been lucky enough to win The Lottery.

     My husband and I arrived in the surgery waiting room. It was large, comfortable and well decorated with soothing earth tones. Large screen T.V.s reported the morning news. Free Wi Fi made it an even more appealing space. Almost immediately after checking in and being seated, I was called to the, "Treatment Area."

      I was directed to, "Room #9," which in reality was one bed in a series of beds in a large open space room that was separated from the other 'Rooms' only by curtains. Lots of people were scurrying around. There were other patients already there. The lighting was terrible and I was thinking how my 'no make-up' face was glaring white: every age (or wisdom spot as I like to call them) in stark contrast to my pale skin and lips. We're not here for a formal portrait, Renée - just getting your brain shocked is all.

     There were endless questions: allergies, last time you ate, drank, danced, sang....you know, the usual medical questions we are all used to answering....again....and again....and again. I bet the people asking them are just as tired as the people that must answer them.

     The nurse asked me if I had brought a change of pants. She explained that some people pee during the procedure. Fortunately, being a menopausal woman, I know all about peeing in your pants at inopportune moments such as when laughing, coughing or tripping. I was on it. I was prepared. I was wearing my Poise panty liners....bring on the pee...I'm ready. 

     Preliminaries over, they stuck the IV needle into my hand, placed the medical bracelet on my wrist and prepared to place the Oxygen mask over my nose and mouth- you know just like when you have an emergency on an airline flight. I was pleased to learn they were using Succinylcholine in the anesthesia protocol. It is the 'Gold Standard' for these procedures: only the best for Renée.

    The anesthesiologist told me to take deep breaths from the Oxygen and tell him when I felt sleepy. I heard him say, "I'm administering the meeeuuuh....." and I said, "I'm feeling sleeeuuug," and that was it. The next thing I know, the head of the ECT Department is saying, "You're all finished."

     Huh??? Nothing happened. Is this all an elaborate 'Placebo Effect,' experiment? My husband later told me he knew when the treatment happened because all the lights in the hospital temporarily dimmed and he heard someone yell, "It's alive!" Joking aside, other than a feeling of grogginess, I felt no different. I'm not sure what I was expecting: bells, whistles, The Morman Tabernacle Choir, the Voice of God. 

     The standard ECT protocol consists of between 6 and 12 sessions depending on how the patient responds. I was told that I might not see any significant effect until after at least 3 sessions. Therefore, I am in the loop for a treatment every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the foreseeable future. This also means: no alcohol (boo!), no driving a car (double boo!) and having to deal with this horrible goop they put in your hair when they attach the electrode. Fortunately they used Unilateral ECT which means they placed it only on one side of my head. The less goop the better! That will teach me to wash my hair the night before a surgical procedure.

     It is now almost 12 hours after my first treatment and I am pleased to say I experienced none of the frightening side effects you hear about: no headache, no jaw ache, no muscle aches and no memory loss. Also, I had one of the best afternoon naps ever thanks to the after effects of that Gold Standard drug:  Succinylcholine.

    I have to say, based on this first experience, I'm looking forward to a 'shocking' November.....