The Tyranny of Perfection

The symbol of my perfection - the tyrant Napoleon.

He lurks within my mind repeating his relentless mantra, "You are never good enough." You see, he is/was perfect. He was lover, conqueror and emperor. The world his oyster.

On the other hand, I perceive my world as a shattered glass box: delicate, fragmented and limited. I see the world in a distorted way. But don't we all? Still, I spend my time trying to put the glass box back together. Piece by piece. Feeling that when all is reconstructed then I will be perfect. My own lover, conqueror and empress. La Napoleone.

Unfortunately, I never seem to get there. But I keep trying and when I feel like I can't try anymore, the black dog comes: depression. In depression, there is no need for perfection. There is only the need to take the next breath. If indeed I even want to do that.

When the black dog leaves, I get up. I brush myself off and I start the reconstruction all over again.

Such is the nature of the tyranny of perfection: my own private Napoleon.

The Snow Leopard as Totem Animal

Originally posted on Tribe.net on 10/17/08:

Snow leopards are solitary, elusive creatures. A snow leopard roams the realm of the Himalayas remaining alone except to mate.

1) She symbolizes self-reliance as learned thru abandonment and rejection - an experience I know only too well - I was always the geek, the freak or the one drummer who wasn't marching to the beat of others.

2) She symbolizes balance as learned thru living in the precarious realm of the mountain heights. Her paws are wide and well insulated to walk upon the snow. In my life I have tried to learn how to straddle the world of the, "normal" and the vivid world that swirls within my own mind.

3) She understands the power of silence and mystery: gliding silently thru the snow, seeing all but being seen by none. Such is the path of one who has Bipolar Disorder - always flying under the radar, deliberately vague in order to avoid being discovered. The consummate actress: always showing a mask of happiness but often hiding the deepest of despair.

4) She learns to understand the power of the shadow within. Her coat is creamy white but is covered with black rosettes and rings that represent the perfect balance of black and white; dark and light; good and evil.

To suffer with Bipolar Disorder is to face the darkest part of one's self: the destroyer. But to be destroyed is to begin again and again and again. The challenge of this illness is to look into the face of darkness not as enemy but as the balance necessary for integration. There is no light without darkness. The gift of Bipolar illness is the ability to embrace the darkness in order to understand the light.

The Blue Dragonfly

Originally posted on Tribe.net 10/03/08:

Yesterday, my husband and I were washing our car and we were joined by a lovely, blue dragonfly. He (or she) hovered in the air all around us apparently quite attracted to what we were doing.

This lovely little creature floated in the air as a helicopter would for what seemed like minutes at a time and so I had an excellent opportunity to study him/her and was quite fascinated. A beautiful blue color with large eyes and gossamer wings that shimmered in the fading light of late afternoon.

I decided to do some research into the symbol of the dragonfly. Here are some of the things I found:
a) A blue dragonfly symbolizes the coming of Fall
b) The Native Americans felt that dragonflies held the souls of the dead
c) Just as the butterfly, the dragonfly represents transformation by beginning life in water (just as we begin life in that watery space of the womb) and ending life in the air
d) The Japanese saw the dragonfly as a symbol of renewal or resurrection
e) The English thought they were evil cohorts of the devil (the only negative symbolism I found)
f) And the dragonfly has also been associated with a time of explosive creativity after a time of hardship.

I hope this is what the Universe was saying to me as I am preparing to write my first novel. The novel that has been forming in my head since I was sixteen. It is a hopeful sign that finally I will bring forth that which has been waiting to be born for 30 years. Thank you blue dragonfly....